


One-Punch Man

by Morkhan



Category: Baby Driver (2017)
Genre: Awkwardness, F/M, Gen, Humor, Moving unconscious people is harder than you think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-07-29
Packaged: 2018-12-08 13:21:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11647404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morkhan/pseuds/Morkhan
Summary: WHUMP. Thud. Baby goes slack as a sack of meat and potatoes, and Buddy stares slack-jawed at the guy who KOed him."Bats, what the fuck?" Buddy says."I'm sick of that boy lying to me!" Bats says. "He sucks at it. Shit's insulting."---The immediate aftermath of Bats knocking Baby the fuck out, aka "moving unconscious people is harder than you think, especially when they're six-foot-four."





	One-Punch Man

**Author's Note:**

> This just kinda came to me last night. I'm a sucker for awkward interstitial moments like this. The only thing funnier than this would be watching Lily James's tiny 5'7 self trying to drag Ansel Elgort's giant ass into the passenger seat of that SUV they escape in. Unfortunately, the humor in that situation would be harder to get across in text form.
> 
> Enjoy!

* * *

 

_WHUMP_.

_Thud_. Baby goes slack as a sack of meat and potatoes, and Buddy stares slack-jawed at the guy who KOed him.

"Bats, what the fuck?" Buddy says.

"I'm sick of that boy lying to me!" Bats says. "He sucks at it. Shit's insulting."

"I know," Buddy says. "But we can't get the truth out of him if he's  _unconscious_."

"That was a  _love tap_ ," Bats says with mild disgust. "How the fuck I'm supposed to know he got a glass jaw?"

Buddy reaches out to grab said jaw, pulling Baby's face this way and that. "Baby?" he says, with a couple of slaps to the cheeks. "Hey, kid, time to wake up!" Nothing. He lets go, and the kid's head lists to the side. "Well,  _shit_. Come on, help me get him out."

Bats rolls his eyes and hops out. "Y'all baby Baby too damn much."

Buddy opens the driver's door. "Here, get him by the-"

"I got him. I got- shit!"

"Don't drop him!"

"He's  _heavy_! What y'all feed this boy?"

"Here, let me get- just- we have to pull his feet out, too!"

"I'll get his head, you get his feet."

"We're not carrying him like a fucking hammock! Just let me get his feet out so we can- Bats,  _pick him up_."

"My arms tired."

"Fine, you know what? I'll fucking pick him up, I'll- shit!"

"I  **told** you he was heavy!"

"Just get his other arm!"

"Alright, alright! Jesus, why they call you Buddy? You the unfriendliest motherfucker I ever met."

And that's how Bats and Buddy wind up in an elevator with Baby draped over their shoulders like a big, fleshy cape.

"Was he this tall before?" Bats asks. "I swear he wasn't this tall before."

Buddy glares at the wall and silently hates his life.

The three of them make quite the sight as they pass Darling's room in the warehouse, Baby's feet dragging along the floor. She stares at them like she's not quite sure she's awake.

"Buddy, what the fuck?" she says, blinking sleep out of her eyes.

"Darling, get Doc for me, would you dear?" Buddy says. "We might have a problem."

"With Baby?" Darling asks.

"Motherfucking song bird is a stool pigeon!" Bats says. "He's singing to the cops!"

Darling stares at him flatly. "It's  _Baby_."

"Just... get Doc," Buddy says. "We'll discuss it."

She gets dressed and knocks on Doc's door. He opens it about a second later, still in his suit and coat.

"What's the matter?" Doc asks.

"I don't know, something to do with Baby," Darling says. She squints at Doc's outfit. "Did you sleep in that?"

"I don't sleep," Doc says. Somehow she believes it.

She and Doc head to the planning, room, where Bats and Baby are seated at the table. Bats is playing with Baby's face like he's a toy made out of puddy while Buddy stares at him and silently dreams of murder.

"Hey, Buddy, check it out," Bats says, pulling Baby's cheeks back and up. "See? He  _can_ smile! Look at them pearly whites."

"I hate you," Buddy says. " _So much_."

Doc surveys the scene. "Alright, I'll bite. Which of you idiots just gave our driver a  _ **concussion**_ the night before a heist?"

"Bats," Buddy says instantly, pointing to the culprit.

"I  _barely_ hit him!" Bats says defensively. "He ain't got no concussion."

"Did you knock him out?" Darling asks.

"Yeah," Bats says.

"Can you wake him up?" Darling asks.

"No," Bats says.

"Then he has a concussion," Darling says, smiling at him sweetly. " _Nurse_. Not lapdancer."

" _Why_ did you give him a concussion?" Doc asks, in a tone that demands a very good answer.

Bats produces a recorder and presses play, and Doc instantly recognizes his own voice. " _Alright, Baby. Time to make a big-boy decision; do we do this thing, or not?_ "

Doc squints. "Where did you get that?"

Bats wraps an arm around Baby and pulls him close like an old pal. "Outta this fool's pocket."

Doc stares in abject betrayal at Baby's limp head.

"He said he was just messing around," Buddy says. "Before Bats knocked him out, of course. Said he makes music out of conversations he records, or some shit."

Doc's mouth falls open just slightly. "That's the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard."

"Thank you!" Bats says.

"It's so stupid, it  _has_ to be true," Darling says, scrunching her face. "Who the fuck would make that up?"

"Thank you!" Buddy says.

Doc tilts his head. "Can he prove it?"

"He said he had some tapes back at his house," Buddy says. "Again, this was prior to the unconsciousness."

"It ain't my fault the boy can't take a punch!" Bats says, annoyed.

Doc clenches his jaw and closes his eyes for a second. "I want those tapes. All of them. You two, go to Baby's house and turn that place upside-down, scour every inch of it and find every recording this little shithead has ever made. Once we have that, we'll decide what to do with him."

"You mean which river we gonna dump his dead ass in," Bats corrects.

"Come on, Doc," Darling says. "You don't really think Baby turned on us, do you?"

Doc gives her a low-level death glare. "I don't like being recorded," is all he says.

So that's how Darling winds up filing her nails at the table for a good thirty minutes, staring at Doc while Doc stares at Baby and nobody says anything. The exciting and glamorous life of a criminal.

"Should he still be out?" Doc asks eventually. "He's been out for a while."

Darling leans in close to Baby, listening for his breath, and hears... a faint snore. "I think he's asleep."

Doc scrunches his face. "What?"

"He's asleep," she repeats. "At some point, he went from knocked-out to conked-out."

"I didn't know that could happen," Doc says.

Darling shrugs and goes back to filing her nails. "He'll probably be fine."

Doc nods. He's silent for a bit. "His head's already messed up from the accident," he says after a moment. "Had to take pills for seizures when he was a kid. Been off them for years."

"Huh," Darling says, leaning forward to get a better look at him. The scars on his face always seemed so quaint and faint before. In this light, they stand out a lot more. "I didn't know that."

"The last thing we need is some bozo giving him the brain jolts again," Doc grumbles.

She looks up at him with a tiny grin. "You sound almost  _worried_."

Doc turns towards the wall. "He's an asset. A damn good one. It'd be a shame to lose him. Not if we don't  _have_ to."

It's about this time that the elevator dings, and Bats wheels into the room going "WHEEEEEE!" in somebody else's wheelchair. Buddy follows shortly behind him, carrying a large briefcase and a look that says he can't  _wait_ to kill this idiot.

"Alright," Buddy says. "We got the tapes. It's time for Sleeping Beauty to wake up and give us some answers."

* * *

"Well, those were not the answers I was expecting," Buddy says later, when it's just the two of them in their room again.

"I told you the kid was solid," Darling says. "It's  _Baby_."

"Yeah, but it's just..." He scrunches his face up. "It's  _weird_. You don't think it's weird?"

"Did you think Baby was normal or something?" Darling asks. "We're all weird. Crime's a weird business."

"Yeah, but it's not normal criminal weird, it's just  _weird_ ," Buddy says. "Honestly, I think I prefer him as a police stooge. At least then I'd know what to do with him."

She cuddles in close. "You don't need to worry, Jason. Baby will take good care of us. He always has."

_Later, as he's falling to his death from the top floor of a car park towards a burning car, Jason Van Horn's last thought will be something along the lines of "Yeah, he_ _**took care** _ _of us alright."_

**Author's Note:**

> The seizures thing is from the draft version of the script, where Baby is mentioned as taking anticonvulsants for epileptic seizures during the story. Apparently it's not uncommon for children to grow out of epilepsy with proper medication.


End file.
